TIRED=CRAZY

My noty Yanling and me.
Even we are so exhausted!
We still look good...

Say 'KONICA'

Love u small gal!

Confuse

Hearing Your voice,give me butterflies.
Being near YOU,my heart start pounding.
Looking at YOU in the eyes,takes a lot of courage.

I've been sitting here, trying to convince myself
that i didn't like YOU.

But the more i look at YOU.
The more confuse i become.

Me being a LESBIAN.

Family and people have been wondering and have been asking me why im a LESBIAN.For years i used not to know how i am suppose to answer to all the questions that they have been asking me because i have no idea why im being different.After i do my soul searching then i have the courage to answer every question that been asked to me.

P:"Are you attached?"
M:"Yes"
P:"Who's that lucky guy?"
M:(smile)"Lucky lady"
P:(confused)"Lady?haha!Funny!"
M:(smile)"Im attached with a lady"
P:(shock to DEATH but calm)"Are you...?!?"
M:(smile)"I'm a LESBIAN"
P:"But why?did any guys hurt you before?"
M:"No.i've never had a relationship with a guy"
M:"I've never F____ with a guy"
P:"??? What!?"
M:"Ya..i know."
M:"I've got no feeling for man..but if GOD open my heart and make me see HIS way, who
knows i'll be married with 4 kids.hahahaha"

I've been asked with this kind of questions for years till now and i don't know when will it stop.There is no explanation why i'm LESBIAN.I've try to go dates with men but i just don't feel comfortable being around them and knowing that they like me.When they talk or carry my stuffs or trying to hold my hand, i will react.I don't hate men and i do have male friends.As a friend i can do all sort of things with them..watch movies, chill around, talk rubbish,eyeing on ladies,or watever.. some of my straight girl friends as in friend..will get jealous when they sees me with their secret admirers or boyfriends joking around playing around together.I've always have my limits if i know my male friends are attached..(so girls please, they are my friends and i've got no feeling and i'm a LESBIAN.so no worries.)but when i get to know if any of my male friends like me or something,i will feel weird and feel uncomfortable at times but it's kinda ok because they are my friends and they know that how hard they try,they are just wasting their time..HEHEHEHE!

I am bless to have a family and friends that can accept me for who i am.I am bless to be loved by them.

I am a human being, a lady with feeling,i have the right to choose or decide what i want to be, it's the matter of good or bad.So i choose and decide to love and be loved by a woman.Some people look down on LESBIANs or GAYs, they talk and says a lot of stuffs about us but who cares, we give and receive the same kind of LOVE and the only different is we receive it from the same gender.No one have the right to tell us what to do or changed us, only ourself can do it for ourself.

I am a LESBIAN.I fall in love with women.I never regret.

.wondering

WEIRD,STRANGE..thats wat my frens n loved ones have been calling me.some even say that im full of mystery,they dun understand me.i wonder why? everything i do, i listen, i watch, the way i tink, i talk, i feel..seems to be different to them.i wonder why? they say that im doin my own things in my own world,leaving the reality.i wonder why? when they asked me for opinions or when i console or when i answered every questions they asked me, this is wat they say to me " ure so strange, u seem to be in ur own world, doin ur own things bt u still know whats happening in reality. ure like a real life encyclopedia, yellow pages, newspaper..watever".i wonder why?


i've been wondering, what makes them think that im weird, strange or a mystery. ive always been myself.. to me alot of talking will cause alot of things especially feelings.u can make them happy,confuse,embarass,sad,shy,hurt,angry when u do alot of talking.to me observing, thinking and keeping quiet is the best,i only talk when its necessary bt before i talk i think.im nt good in showing my feelings, im nt good in relating.Most of the time i will just think nothing, my mind is blank.i will listen to music, or play my games or smoke my ciggies or surf the internet or just sit do nothing and think nothing.. if i want to relate i will write... poems, poetry,phrase i will just write whateva i think and feel and if im tired of thinking or feeling i will stop. i dun like to bother others because i dun like to be bothered.when i feel like goin out i will chill or party with my frens. having a relationship with the same gender (being a lesbian) may be weird to those who are straight(boy and girl relationship), GOD created ADAM(MAN) for EVE(woman)bt i choose to love a woman and be loved by a woman.

that is all for now...

Especially Dedicated to my Beloved sweet angel of my heart, Nana..

Dearest Babygirl...


Looking at you for the very first time, you have melted my heart with your big beautiful eyes, your smile is the sweetest smile.Knowing you and watching you grow was the sweetest moment..When you're still in school, watchin you kicking the ball during your soccer match,your 1st stick of ciggie,your 1st Hardrocking,your alcohol drinks,when you are in love,when you are happy,when you are sad,when you are angry,when you cry out loud,watchin you dance,watchin you sleep and grining your teeth and i can keep on going...But the saddess thing that i will always regret is not knowing that you are sick,that you are going thru lotsa pain and what is making me so sad is that knowing you have been gone thru pain all by yourself and relating to your closest people.. When i notice that you have lost a lot of weight and i've been repeating the same question asking you "Are you alright" "Why are you shrinking?" "Are you sick?" and when you answer me back with that smile.."im fine.. I was having fever that day but im absolutely feeling good now" "Don't worry, im fine" hearing that you are fine, i just make my way and i didnt get back to you... if only i look deeply in your eyes, if only i can really hear your voice or if only i feel you..i will not have this regrets in me... Now i regret for not looking in your eyes, i regret for not listening to you with my heart, i regret for not being there and i regret for not having the chance to be near you, touching you, looking at you, hearing you..i regret! How i wish that i could just turn back the time!

The day when i received the shocking news, hearing that you're gone,knowing that GOD wants you to be with HIM... I was BLANK..all i could wish for was to be slapped right on my face and hearing someone say "Hey! wake up! why are you crying?" "itz just nightmare,go back to sleep".. i actually waited but itz for real.. you're gone..
I didnt even get to look or get to kiss you for your last goodbye... i regret.

Waiting for you to arrive at the last place, your last goodbye..
I was BLANK, i jz could not accept the fact that im waiting for you there...
I tried to hold back my tears, i tried to be strong, i kept telling myself that GOD loves you more and GOD wants you to be with HIM.. When i saw the familiar faces with that look on their face, my heart starts pounding... and when i saw you, when i saw you were carried by your love ones, i stopped.. and when i saw you all wrapped up with the pure white cloth and the sweetest smell ever...
I could not control myself, could not control my tears, i was weak...
When i saw them bringing you down and when i heard they recite the do'a for you
When i saw them putting the soil near you, wanting you to know that GOD already have you..
As i walked closer to you... and when i looked down to you..
You're gone..
You're covered with the soil..the soil that GOD use to create US..

When i saw them putting the soil on the place that you are gonna be forever
When i heard the last recite
when i saw the last 7 steps of the last man
i realise that i wasnt dreaming..
Looking at you from afar was like the greatest moment
Having the last chance to look at you even from afar was the greatest chance that GOD have given to me...

Dearest angel..

You will not be forgotten
Your smile, your voice, your laughter,your big beautiful eyes..
EVERYTHING abt you will always remain in my HEART
All the moments with you will always be remembered...
I miss you and i love you..

But GOD loves you more..

Dearest Angel...

May GOD bless you, may you be with the people that GOD loves,may you rest in peace...

Get Together....

Y'sterday was 1 of the most happie moments of mine...gettin together with my old peeps! Ris,ydcool,vince,ain,bel,my HOT gorgeous FIFI..some didnt get to join us bt this names that i mention is more then enuff to make the nite happen! not forgettin faizi n shikin of course!(my whole time favourite!) n a few of Fifi frens.. We wen to Cash Studio again(the big time favourite karaoke studio!) n celebrating Ris n Bel b'dae as well. After our karaoke session, WE (the professional karaoke singers!hahaha) make our way to The ARENA which is located at Clarke Quay n itz roy n my 1st time there..Bel,ain,faizi,shikin didnt join us to party n itz such a WASTE cz itz SUPER HAPPENING!!!!!! after ARENA we wen to NEWTON to have supper n we chat n makin jokes, talkin rubbish, lookin at each other steamy,sleepy face n call it off wit hugs n kisses! itz was such a great nite wit them. n i misses them so much. n i forget to mention Yaya,small Yaya, Boy n Gia there were great too..sorie guys!

HAPPIE HAPPIE B'DAE TO RIS N BEL
Last but not least...

There is only 1 most sweetest gal who didnt get to join our gatherin...
My one n only sweetlove of my HEART my beloved late Nana(adek nana).Though you're not around us on that very day it doesnt mean you're that you're forgotten, sweetheart. You will always be in our HEART.. Your sweetest smile, saddness look, your big beautiful eyes, your laugh n every moments with you will always be remembered till the rest of our life.. My sweetest angel, you will always be in my heart n i miss you so much.. God bless you and your soul..

Loving you always..
Shasha junior n Roy...

Shisha outing...

Babe(shaz),Love(weilun),Muffin(edwin),Big Love(hazel Ng),Edison,Baby love n me wen to Arab st to smoke shisha at Al Masjid.Itz was alot of fun n we celebrate roy's b'dae again bt tis time itz was wit my HOT HOT LOVE POSSESSION peeps.. n again sing her her b'dae song,blow the candles n pictures takin!!!! we were enjoying the nite n my loverboyz been disturbin IMAH the waitress..n i tink she must be feelin damn irritated..hahahaha! anywae the food there is nice bt itz kinda xpensive n the potion is little.We slack till 2am if im nt wrong n we call it off wit the last photo taking. Itz was fun n im lookin forward for another slackin outin...

Anyway, i wanna thank Love n his daddy for sendin me n roy hme...

Love u guyz to the MAX!

Roy's birthday celebration.07th dec 2008.

itz been a long time since i last blog...

On saturday(06th dec 2008) after werk i wen to town to get something for Roy as her b'dae is cumin the next day..been searchin bt i jz got no idea wat to buy for her. I've plan a surprise for her wit her close frens a week before her b'dae. We plan to celebrate her b'dae at Cash Studio at orchard.So on that saturday the plan goes great, i bought her a TIRAMISU cake from BAKERIZ wic cost abt $45, a bouquet or red roses n last but not least i bought her a GUCCI sling bag and a GUCCI wallet. At 12am(o7th Dec 2008) we surprise her wit birthdae cake n sing her b'dae song.. we were having fun n we sing all nite long....

will upload the pics soon cz pics taken frm our frens camera...

.......

Last week wen clubin wit sayang(grace),baby(janice),aunty nana(serena),jiejie(natasan),jonny n some other ppl wic dun look familiar to me. We wen to a club called 'TOSHE' wic is locate in JB(JOHOR BAHRU). The club is not as bad as i tot, itz kinda cool n the people there n the music is great as well.The BEST part is whr wen my 'KICKS' is startin to get high.. 1 of my fren ask me to accompany her to the laboratory, i tot she wanna pee or sumting bt NO! she wanna puke n she gonna get drunk n my another fren is also half drunk.(im cuttin the story short)so wit no other choice we decided to make a move.
so it's like i dun get the chance to realli dance n i've got to handle my 2 drunkard ladies.. wat r frens for rite, duh...

after the immigration chk, i send 1 of them 1st n den the 2nd lady to their receptive home sweet home.. after sendin dem i'll make my way home... itz kinda fun...

goodnite

My ADDICTION

LOVE=ADDICTED
MARLBORO RED=ADDICTED
LAPPY=ADDICTED
CHOCOLATE ICE BLEND=ADDICTED
BLACK=ADDICTED
FASHION=ADDICTED
MUSIC=ADDICTED
GAMES=ADDICTED
SAMSUNG Mp3=ADDICTED
SHAZ=ADDICTED
GRACE=ADDICTED
WEILUN=ADDICTED
EDWIN=ADDICTED
JANICE=ADDICTED
DORAEMON=ADDICTED
The Lword=ADDICTED
SHANE=ADDICTED
JENNY=ADDICTED

and......

SEX=STILL UNDER MEDITATION.

Meanin of BORED to me...

BORED=BRAIN NOT IN ORDER
BORED=MADNESS
BORED=CRAZYNESS
BORED=CIGGIES
BORED=SMOKING TO DEATH
BORED=COMMITING SUCIDE
BORED=W.A.T.E.V.E.R

Love n me

im tryin to save my relationship n i noe tat roy is doin her part too. We're nw learnin to relate to each other n learn nt to bottle up wat we feel, bt suntime itz hard to avoid misunderstandin, we're human, duh...

Well i reali hope tat tings will get better...

...

Hey ya...

Today was fun, wen out wit weilun n janice n love bt too bad edwin is like missing.. heeheehee! conflick? u guess. we wen to novena to mit up wit roy n we wen to cotton on to do some shoppin n after shoppin we headed to cineleisure to catch a movie.

The Coffin, itz was ok well.. kinda spooky bt we enjoy the show.. wit me shoutin n im like coverin my whole body n janice too n weilun too bt nt roy, she aint got no feelin! haahaahaa! after the movie, we kinda slack n tot of chkin out tis thai pub at golden mile bt weilun is nt in the mood so we headed bk home. aniwae i reali enjoy my outin wit dem..heehehee!

I love shaz n i love grace n i love weilun n i love janice n i love the most irritatin boy,edwin n i super love them to the MAX! n of coz i LOVE ROY!

nite nite

especially dedicated to u, LOVE.

Dearest Love...

Falling in LOVE with YOU is the BEST thing that ever
happen in my entire LIFE.

Knowing that YOU have LOVE me
Knowing that YOU CARE for me
Knowing that YOU are SINCERE
Is more than enough for ME to
GIVE YOU MY ALL.

I've NEVER regret KNOWING YOU
I've NEVER regret LOVING YOU
I've NEVER EVER regret GIVING
MY ALL TO YOU.

And ME...

I'm very GREATFUL to GOD
For creating ME
For the FAITH that GOD gave me...

GOD created YOU and ME
FAITH brought US together
LOVE is BORN

I was BLESSED by GOD..

Im BLESSED to have LOVE
Im BLESSED to be LOVE

And..

Im BLESSED to HAVE YOU
Im BLESSED to be LOVE by YOU
Im BLESSED to LIVE my LIFE with YOU

Roy...

I LIVE only for YOU
I will LOVE YOU till the LAST BEAT OF MY HEART

-TILL DEATH DO US APART-

..

i duno wat's happenin between us n our relationship n i dun even noe wat's the cause of it. i've been askin myself whether i've treated u good or bad or izit me causin tis madness to happen.. bt blaming me alone is not fair coz we're in tis relationship 2gether n we make it happen.

all i wan nw is US to be in LOVE once again, to care for each other, i wan to feel the chemistry! i hope tat tis mess will end...

...

Tis few days is like living hell.. lotsa stuffs happen n i duno whr to begin but for all i can describe itz like a BIG TIME LIVING HELL! everything is goin crazy n i reali cant handle it anymore n i dun even noe hw to react.. FCUK BIG TIME!

Being in LOVE...

LOVE is everthing.
LOVE can make you do anything.

Being in LOVE is the greatest feeling, nothing can describe

But...

LOVE is HURT.
LOVE is NASTY.

Breaking LOVE can make one go crazy, no one know what's gonna happen

Because...

LOVE is BLIND
LOVE can't be describe
LOVE is WONDERFUL but LOVE KILLS too...

If there is LOVE, TRUST is a MUST

LOVE=TRUST

Hie again...

Y'terday after work, i went out wit my frens. We mit up at Ck Tangs n went to Paragon's Gucci outlet. After shopping we went to Boon Lay to 1 of my fren's Hari raya open house, i was so glad that im there coz some of my old frens were there too! itz been years since our last outing. Everybody was busy wit work, gf, blah blah blah... so we chill till 4.30am n i reach hme abt 5 plus! reach hme, i shower n go to slp. Waking up in the morning itz like commiting SUICIDE! bt i have to be at work no matter wat!

i reach work abt 12plus, im freakin tired n my eyes cannot tahan liao! Keep on smoking! n ive got no mood to work. Luckily i've my 2 sweetloves n my baby n my babe to entertain me or else i probably have sleep to die at work! keep on sayin that once i reach home i juz want to go n have my beauty sleep but went i saw my LapTop! i forget everything abt sleeping! nw my eyes is like half close bt im still forcin myself.. Aiyaa! im such a WEIRDO! cn slp duno wan to slp! CRAZY!

Anyway, my love life is getting complicated n i juz dun wanna think abt it. Im juz following the flow... itz like WATEVA nw. Hw i wish someone can save me from this, someone who can take me away for good....

Hie...

This month is a month of forgiveness, mth of love n a mth of giving wit a sincere heart for muslim. Itz been a tiring week for me, celebratin Hari Raye, visiting relatives n frens bt itz a fun gathering with our loves ones. 1st day of Hari Raya, my family's wearing black n white, tis is only half part of my family pic not including my other siblings n nephews.. my family is damn BIG! Headache!

Selamat Hari Raya...

Today is the 1st day of Hari Raya celebration n we're getting ready to visit our relative... Update ltr aite...

MEANING

PURE LESBIAN= only do relationship with WOMAN, they dun fancy dykes or endro(tomboys)

NORMAL LESBIAN= Do relationship xpecially with DYKES n ENDRO

BIOSEXUAL= Do relationship with both MAN n WOMAN

GAY= Man n Man relationship

DRAG QUEENS ( A man becomin a woman)= Do relationship with MAN only
some men also can be BIOSEXUAL

And ALL for the above are LABEL as GAYS.

check out The L word, GAY'S drama series. You cn watch it at YOUTUBE. Watch, Listen n U cn Understand US better. Our relationship r jz like the normal straight couple bt watz not normal is that we have relationship with the same gender.

When i met u..

I've known u as a fren for years. I was attached so were u bt our body language was bloody obvious, we flirt wit our eyes n we exactly know that we have the urge to get laid n do shits behind our gfs. Knowin that they're good pals, we still didnt gif a shit abt it n carried on wit our things untill my gf finds out abt our games. US as in the 4 of us, didnt talk or even look at each other unless our gfs is nt ard.Bt after awhile u wen missin n i heard u have moved out wit ur gf to another place. After 3 years i didnt hear frm u nor i see u..... that damn day that damn saturday i fcukin saw u! i was freakin excited n i was hoping that u could see me. after that day, things go back to square 1 n tis time round we've made a BIG decision to tell our gfs that we wanted to be to be together.U were my 1st tomboy as i was a PURE LESBIAN. The 1st n 2nd year, everything was cool.. we were like romeo n juliet bt the lesbian version la, we did quarrel n things happen bt itz a normal thing for couple even normal couple quarrel. Bt NOW! nw everything CHANGE! i dunno hw it started bt frm day to day things get worse. I dunno wat to do, i was freakin out n u were pissin off. When spend less time n we dun c each other often. Im feelin my frens more that i feel u.I try to make things better to save our relationship bt it seem not to work out. Bt on that very night, u really hurt me wit ur words, ur words really pierce thru my HEART! itz fcukin HURT! n since that day i dun wanna gif a damn wateva is gonna happen.... i dunno wat i feel nw for u... nw itz like WATEVA..

.....

Today is Hari Raya eve so i clock off early frm werk, we've plan for 2day schedule n there's lotsa things to do. I tot 2day is gonna be fine bt everything go HEADWIRE! itz like SHIT, i feel like SHIT n im like wastin my FCUKING time. i try to put things back together after wat happen bt itz like no point! i jus dunno wanna gif a DAMN anymore n im fcuking prepare watz gonna happen next. Itz SUCKs big time! im jus gonna make myself hapie n do things that make me hapie.. CHEERz SHASHA!

.......

Im tired wit everything! Things hv change drastically, izit me or the medicine or u or wateva, i ain't got no clue, it seem to be gettin worse n more worse each fcukin days. we ain't spend no quality time together, a rest day itz close to boredom n im feelin my pals more then i feel u.. shud i blame myself or werk or u? i ain't gt no idea. Sitting dwn n talk is like a BIG NO NO cz it gonna be a GIGANTIC HOO HAA for us.. so for nw itz like WATEVA.. im tinkin of soul searchin at the moment, u n me, searchin for solution, watz goin on, wat we xpected n blah blah blah... tis must stop n itz driving me crazy n again im tired..

My 1st time.

Hie all... tis is my 1st blog n my 1st post. So here goes.. tis pic is taken in JAPAN/TOKYO city in a town called KURIHAMA. I was there wit my LOVE ADDICTION, sis n family. My sis n family is stayin in japan so goin for holiday there is yasui (cheap), dun hv to worry abt hotels n foods. We saved alot n SHOP alot more!!!! pic of LOVE ADDICTION, me , sis n family